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A Charredtorso story

Illustration by UKChrissie

NAUGHTY STUFF CORPSES DO

I've been asked, throughout my career, if bodies sit up, walk, grow hair and nails or do weird stuff. I'll share a few stories and dispel a few myths in the following paragraphs.

I have never seen a body sit up. I have spoken to hundreds of fellow Morticians, with thousands of hours of embalming and preparation time. No one I have ever spoken to has seen a body sit up. It's always someone who's cousin's best friend knew an embalmer that got chased around an embalming table by a corpse, while it whistled HIGHWAY TO HELL by AC/DC.

Things I HAVE seen is bodies being cremated will do a "crunch" as the abdominal muscles contract due to extreme heat. Their upper torso may rise a few inches. I have seen and heard bodies with air trapped in their lungs, exhale when moved. Once in a while, they will sound like they are moaning during the exhale. During the embalming process, I have seen the injected chemicals (embalming fluid) react with small muscles in the face or hands. That may result in some brief small movement or twitching. All of this stuff will scare the shit out of new employees or family members.

As a final shot at the living, I have had human remains belch, fart, defecate and vomit, on me and or my associates. This is often the result of trapped gasses in the stomach or intestines. Imagine the worst fart you have ever smelled and triple the stench. That, in its self, will bring tears to your eyes.

Walking around in an embalming preparation room has it's hazards too. Several times during my career, I was "kicked" in the stomach or balls by a body some co-worker tossed up on a table, allowing a foot to hang off the edge of the table. One gap in attention and you are cussing out a corpse. One of the first things done during the embalming procedure is to wash the body. I have had "fresh" bodies (not in rigor or frozen) with their hands on their chests smack the shit out of me. A little soap squirted on the chest, loosens the positioning. The hand slides off the embalming table and if you are bent over, wap! right in the kisser or if you are standing, a ball shot.

"Yeah, dead people's hair and finger nails grow." "My uncle's best friend worked in a mortuary for three weeks." "He knows everything about the business and bodies." When a person dies, everything the body does in life slows down and stops within a few hours. Hair may grow a few microns, but that's it. The hair will not grow to shoulder length on a body from a crew cut. Finger and toe nails appear to grow after death. A dead body begins breaking down within minutes of death (autolysis). The skin at the finger tips and toes begins to dehydrate the skin loses moisture and the fingertips shrink, causing the appearance of growing. (Take the tip of a finger and pinch it behind the fingernail. It will look like the nail grew.)

As I mentioned before, I spent 22 years embalming and running funeral homes. When I became a cop, I use to delight in the looks of terror from a police officer not use to this sort of thing. People fear what they don't understand.

Did this bring to mind a question about death, executive protection or cop work? Throw it in my in box.

CT