Tags:

A Charred story.

WHAT'S IN YOUR CLOSET?!

When I got hired as a ghetto gunslinger I had to have an interview with the chief of police. I expected a typical 'welcome aboard, part of the family, my door is always open' speech. What I GOT was a 20 minute lecture on use of force and what would happen if I violated department policy on same! As an afterthought he looked at my application package. "Based on your background in investigations and experience, when you get off field training and probation, I am sending you to school to be a background investigator." Based on my previous observations background investigators were lazy slugs that were getting ready to retire! I was neither. But you can't tell the Chief that you think backgrounds are for slugs getting ready to retire... So, after field training and filed probation, off I went to a 4 day background investigator's school...

We had an applicant walk into my office that was under qualified to be an unarmed guard at Wal-Mart.

He had to bring in an 18 page personal history statement and supporting documents for everything he wrote in those 18 pages. I started going over the documents. He wrote that he had been married twice but had no support divorce documents. "Uh, I got divorced in Mexico." "Prove it!", I asked him. He called his wife of three years and told her he was still legally married to his first wife. She hung up on him twice!

After going over his paperwork I told him we were going to conduct an inspection of his car parked in our lot. "I don't know if I am comfortable with you searching my car." "I DON'T KNOW IF I AM COMFORTABLE HIRING YOU AS A POLICE OFFICER, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO HIDE?!" As we approached his car he told me he had a gun in the car. He had the gun wedged between the driver's seat and the center console. I put him in front of the car and pulled out A LOADED DESERT EAGLE HAND CANNON! What in the hell do you have this loaded hand cannon in your car for?!

The applicant said he was a bounty hunter. Okay, I need the name address and phone number for the company you work for. "Uh, his name is Mike and I don't have his full name, address or phone number." "How do you contact him for work?!" "He calls me and pays me cash...." Then he tells me he has more firearms in the trunk! All of those weapons were unloaded and in their boxes with the paperwork attached. "Uh, so when do I start the Academy?" "We will notify you of what's going on by a letter in a week or two.

I had a letter of termination of application sitting on my supervisor's desk for approval. I get a call from the applicant. "Do you have the info from your bounty hunter employer?" "No." Have you resolved the divorce issue paperwork yet? "No, but you haven't given me a start date for the Academy yet." "Listen carefully, you admitted that you are committing bigamy and keep a loaded firearm in your vehicle. Both bigamy and that loaded firearm are felonies in California, you are lucky I didn't arrest you and tow your car on the spot! You should receive a letter of termination of application any day now."

About a half hour later I am summoned to the lieutenant in charge of personnel's office. The Lt. tells me that a very tearful applicant called him to complain about the way I handled the application!

"Sir, did he mention the bigamy or a loaded frigging Desert Eagle in his car? No Officer, he didn't mention that!" I gave a detailed account of my interactions with the applicant. The Lt. looked out his office window...."You know what, fuck him! And if he shows up here again, arrest him!"

CT.