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A Charredtorso story.

Illustration by UKChrissie.

Oh Oh, YOU DID WHAT?

Back when I was a Mortician, I received a phone call from a co-worker that managed another branch of the funeral home chain we worked for. "___________, you're not gong to believe this shit!" At that point in my Mortuary career, I'd believe almost anything weird or bizarre.

He went on to tell me that he received a death call at a residence. He and another staff member went to the house and spoke to the new widower. The widower wanted to know if he could make all of the arrangements for his wife's cremation then and there. A half hour later, payment in full in hand, my co-worker was ready to go out the door with the body. The widower asked if there was any way the cremation could take place that afternoon. He said he had a long scheduled business trip he had to go on and would feel more comfortable if it could all be taken care of before he left that night.

My partner said it would be very difficult to get everything done. They had to get the death certificate signed by her doctor and filed with the L.A. County Health Department. Then the body would have to be taken to the crematory and there was often a "wait" for other bodies to be cremated. The new widower produced a brand new $100 bill and said it was a tip to insure my partner could make it all happen.

In a flurry of activity, they completed the death certificate and other documents. One guy went to the doctors office and health department, while the other called the crematory and asked if they could fit in a "rush" cremation. The timing was perfect. By the end of the day, the newly departed was reduced to carbon and in a cardboard cremation urn. My co-worker kept $60 and cave his worker $40. He was pleased with himself and the cash he scored.

He told me that just before he called me, two LAPD Detectives walked into his mortuary, wanting to see the body of Mrs. Smith. When he offered the cops the 4 by 8 inch cardboard box, they went apeshit! My co worker explained the way the cremation took place (he left out the $100 tip) and the cops went off again. Apparently, several relatives of the deceased suspected foul play. The lady in the box had told relatives on several occasions that her husband had a girlfriend and was going to kill her, sell the house and clean out the bank accounts. The cops couldn't locate the new widower and after searching the home, also suspected foul play.

There was no way the cops could determine the true cause of death, the body had been reduced to carbon and a few minerals. Nothing my co-worker did was illegal. As far as he knew, he was just helping out a family and getting a tip to do so. We both had to agree, it was possibly a perfect murder. Two weeks later, the new girlfriend showed up to collect certified copies of the death certificate. She said she didn't know anything about nothing.