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Our Avatar of Elmo, asked me about things found in and around bodies I have dealt with. As always, some of the following is from stories written and that vanished. Here goes.

Right out of the shoot comes a true classic. I responded to Federal Prison Property outside the town I worked in. A prison guard, riding his brand new Honda Gold Wing, left work at the end of his shift around 10 pm. He was riding his bike at the posted speed limit of 45 mph, when he broadsided a steer that had gotten loose from somewhere.

When I arrived there was a giant tarp covering the entire mess. There was a massive amount of blood coming out from under the tarp and soaking into the tarp. When we removed the tarp, the guard had become one with both his bike and the steer. The all prisoner fire crew brought out big lights to illuminate the entire area. Co workers of the guard were openly weeping and others had wandered off into the shadows to vomit. It was a scene from hell.

The prisoner fire department and I began trying to separate human gore, steer gore and motorcycle gore and try to do it as professionally as possible, in front of coworkers and Prison Admin. The firemen were great. They would hold up a chunk and I would identify it as human or bovine. We had to get in and scoop out chunks and pieces that were mashed into the motorcycle too.

It took us well over an hour to separate, as best as we could, cow from guy and bike. With the guard in a body bag, I headed back to the mortuary, deposited the remains on an embalming table and headed home. I was covered in blood from my shoes to my arm pits. Bits and pieces of this and that were stuck into my clothing and the blood was causing my clothing to stiffen. Some admin type asked me: "What should we do with the steer" (Highway patrol and the local sheriff were nowhere to be found."

At the time, I was married to "The Wicked Red Witch From Hell" every time I left the house for work at night, she would scream about me going out and "Fucking some bitch." It was well past her 9 pm bedtime when I returned to Charredtorso manor. I tried to tiptoe into the house, take a much needed shower and go to bed, without waking up the witch. No such luck. She caught me in my underwear headed to a downstairs bathroom. I had taken my bloody and filthy clothing off and left it in the garage.

She wasted no time to accuse me of all sorts of the most vile carnal acts. When she wore out from screaming at the top of her lungs, I explained exactly what I had been doing for the last few hours. Naturally, she didn't believe a word I said, so I walked her out to the garage to show her my clothing. "OH MY GOD, YOU MURDERED HER TOO." It wasn't until the wreck was on the news and in the local paper that she began to believe me.

At autopsy or during the embalming process, I pried a belt buckle from the inside of a Lumbar Vertebrae on a homicide victim. I have removed pounds of glass from car crash victims. I removed part of a car gas tank from a salvage yard worker that didn't bother to rinse out the tank before using a cutting torch on it. I have removed everything imaginable from pockets on dead person's clothing. If you can imagine it, I've pulled it out of clothing, from diamond rings to used condoms.

While assisting pathologists with autopsies, I have seen and or removed some interesting objects. I saw what appeared to be a testicle in the vicinity of the uterus of a 50 something woman. "Is that a testicle doctor?" "Yeah women can live an entire life with parts of a twin inside them." I have removed surgical instruments from people that died mysteriously after surgery. Surgical towels are another popular "leave behind" item. Then you have your "run of the mill" bullets, hunks of metal and knifes.

If I put my mind to it, I could come up with more gore. If you have questions, send it to me and I'll try to answer. CT