Jezebel is offline (last seen at 4:28 pm, 18 Jun 2019)
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Watching too much shit tends to make you trivialize how horrible people actually are! That's why we laugh and joke at the devil, but in fact we're scared to death!

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06/17/2019 12:55

Thank you!


06/16/2019 23:13


Our Kaotic friend Grann asked me for stories about my ex-wife, THE WICKED RED WITCH FROM HELL.
I could do a full 300 page book on the Witch. But none f you would want to put your eyeballs through that much agony.

The Witch was my second marriage. I had been a bachelor for 6 years and decided I wanted to have a family. the Witch and I dated for over a year. We were married in a wedding chapel by the guy that we studied the bible with. We had a reception and were going to ride to a second reception at a private home, where we could offer alcohol to our guests. The guy driving us was a complete idiot. He was speeding and running red lights with his horn blaring. I asked him to slow down and be cool. The Witch started screaming at me "Shut the fuck up, he can drive any way he fucking wants to...."
Up to this point, she had cussed maybe 5 times using shit and damn. After a glass of wine, our minister and his wife had to go someplace. We stood waving at them as they drove off. "Well, we won't have to put up with those assholes any more...." After the reception, we drove up to an exclusive Hotel in San Luis Obispo. I had pre ordered a romantic prime rib dinner with Champagne.
For reasons I will never know, she decided to slap me and call me a mother fucker and locked herself in the suite's bathroom. I ate two dinners that night and drank all of the bubbly. It was as though she threw a switch in her brain thee minute we were legally married.

At the church we attended, it was always a fight to get her to go. I found out she was a functional illiterate. The minister encouraged us to follow along in our bibles when he quoted scriptures. She couldn't read or keep up. After about 5 minutes, she stood up and yelled "FUCK THIS" and stomped out of the church. I wanted to crawl under a pew and die.

Some how, she got pregnant during the first month of our marriage. I decided that I couldn't inflict her on a baby by herself, so I decided to stick it out. In the course of 5 years, she got me fired from two of the three mortuaries I managed. I got great referrals by the owners but they had to get rid of me. I would be on call every other night and every other weekend. Anytime after 5 pm and my phone rang, she would start screaming. If I had a death call and had to embalm the body, she would cuss me out, out to my car and wake up when I got home and start all over. Often, she would call me at the Mortuary and demand get my ass home immediately, even if I was elbow deep in blood from embalming. This would go on sometimes for hours. I found out from both former employers that she would call them and demand THEY get off their LAZY ASSES and do some of the work too. It was pure luck on which nights people would die. Co workers and owners had no control.

I filed for divorce as soon as we had to move back to Los Angeles. She stole our car so I couldn't go to work. I was processing for several law enforcement agencies and needed a car to get to appointments and work. The L.A.County Sheriff looked very promising. I fond out years later, after she moved to Texas, that she told my background investigator that I told her the only reason I wanted to be a cop was so I could kill a Nigger or a Mexican. That made an impression!

After 6 years, I met my third and final wife of 30 years. She earned enough money to help support myself and two sons while I attended the police academy and became a cop.

One day, out of the blue, the Wicked Red witch showed up and took my kids for an hour (she dumped them on me 5 years prior following a car crash I was in) My wife, sister and mother in law were sitting in the kitchen, out of sight from the front door. She started the same old shit and was screaming at me for being a shitty parent and cussing me out, like a veteran crack whore. I whispered to her "Get the fuck off of my property before I call the sheriff...." She continued: and I whispered "If I beat the shit out of you, it is no longer a felony, just simple assault." "GO AHEAD AND HIT ME MOTHER-FUCKER, GO AHEAD..." I calmly closed the door in her face. My wife and in laws were sitting with their mouths wide open and their eyes bugged out. "Yes ladies, eight years of that for from 4-6 hours a day."

A year or two later the Witch called me. "You got everything you ever wanted." "You are a cop, you have a nice wife, a nice house, you have our sons....everything." "No bitch, you are still alive." "You took eight years away from me I will never get back." That was the last call I got from her.

I could go on for pages, coming up with stories that would turn Mother Theresa into a baseball bat murderer." "When drill instructors at the police academy or foaming at the mouth irate Negros would yell and scream at me, it's like a gentle breeze or the voices of Angles, compared to her. Thanks for reading this far.....CT


06/15/2019 09:28

will do


06/15/2019 00:46

So, should I send you stories for upload? Or is someone else
going to deal with them?


06/13/2019 00:18

I sent Chrissie a story "My living nightmare" a few hours later,
she resigned and my story went away. Any ideas?


06/12/2019 17:13

LOL, I responded to that guy that wants to be a human toilet. It's pretty funny.....


06/12/2019 07:45

Good Morning! I had just posted 'Charred's' latest story and am now off to my appointment. I hope to catch you here upon my return. ( So long as I am NOT feeling too Nauseated. )



06/11/2019 06:14



06/09/2019 17:59


06/09/2019 00:05


When I hopped through all the state mandated hoops to lateral from Sleepy Hollow PD to become "An urban Counter-Terrorist," the last hoop is an interview with the Chief of Police. Most of these interviews are so the Chief MAY recognize your face if you get killed or arrested on duty. Not mine, what was scheduled to be a friendly "welcome aboard" turned into a 20 minute use of force lecture.
At the end of the lecture, the Chief said "Based on your background and training with the other PD and the Coroner, we want to put you in as a background investigator. I didn't WANT to be a background investigator. I wanted to do rock'em sock'em ghetto police work, not paper pushing BS.
But, you cant tell the Chief of Police you don't want to be an office slug. "Yes sir, that should be interesting."

So, after about three months of field training and getting to really enjoy street work, they sent me to background school and I was certified by the state to do police backgrounds. I found out very quickly that I would hate it more than I could imagine. The other investigators were near retirement. They showed up 2 hours late, made a few phone calls and went for an early 2 hour lunch, made a few more calls and left early, because they got to work late. (?) I was use to showing up for work on time, putting in a full shift and leaving on time. I clashed with the other guys within days. "_______, what you are doing in a day, takes us 3-5 days to do. They were telling me to slow down and be a slug, because I was making them look bad.

One of my first applicants had already gotten through the oral interview and the physical agility test required by the state. He showed up with required 17 page personal history statement and supporting certified documents including; diploma, military service records, birth certificate, marriage/divorce certificates and a few other required documents. The applicant had been married twice, but could not provide proof of his divorce. "Yeah bro, we got divorced in Mexico. We never got the paperwork." "Well, guess what, Mexican divorced are not legal in California. According to California law, you are still legally married to your first wife." That took a while to sink in. He called his current wife and she hung up on him.

It was department policy that we do a surprise inspection of all applicant's cars. When I told him about the inspection, he offered: "I am not COMFORTABLE with you searching my car." "Well then, I am not comfortable hiring you as a cop." As we approached his car he said that he had a gun between the transmission hump and driver's seat." "What kind?" "It's a Dessert Eagle and it's loaded. "Why do you have a loaded hand cannon in your car?" "I am a bounty hunter..." "Who do you work for?" "A guy named Jim." "I need a phone number and a last name and business address."
"Uh, he calls me, I don't contact him..." "I've got more guns in the trunk too."

Sure enough, he had a loaded hand cannon in his front seat, as well as another unloaded handgun and two rifles in his trunk. I went through the whole car and unloaded the Desert Eagle. "So when do I take my medical and psyche evaluation?" "DUDE, you have already admitted to me that you are a bigamist and I saw an unlawfully carried hand gun in your car." You are lucky I don't lock you up right now." "The department will send you a letter as to how we are going to proceed." "If you can't prove you are a bounty hunter, you are done...."

We sent out a notice of disqualification to the clueless applicant. He called me crying about how unfair I was being and that I had ruined his career. A few days later, I got a call from the Captain in charge of investigations, the applicant had called crying to him. After a brief explanation, the captain said "Fuck that idiot...."

I processed an applicant for Police Dispatcher. The woman showed up in middle eastern attire and stated she was a member of the Nation of Islam (1995). She stated she had 8 children from three fathers and REFUSED to provide any of the father's names, other than that they were Nation of Islam Ministers. She refused to complete most of the application, citing religious objections. At the time, the NOI was planting members in police departments as dispatchers and even janitors, to obtain information on cops and department operations. When her application was rejected, she and her baby daddy's filed a civil suit against me and the PD for religious prejudice. The suit went no where.

I finished an application by a kid that failed the polygraph and admitted to doing all sorts of naughty stuff, both as a juvenile and an adult. I rejected his application. The problem was that the kid's father was a good friend of the Sargent that ran the background unit. The Sargent changed my report around and omitted information that disqualified the kid based on state criteria. Sarge just wanted me to sign HIS version of the report. I refused to sign, because if the kid fucked up (again) they would want to know why I omitted certain info and hired him. Heated words were exchanged.

The next day, another cop asked if he could "borrow" my key to the unit." "The next day when I showed up to work, I was told I had been transferred back to patrol. Oh darn, I was heart broken to be back doing what I wanted to do. The kid I refused to hire, got through the academy and wound up going to prison for a scam involving prisoner's cash and credit cards. Ithe city tried to jump all over my ass. When I provided MY copy of the original report, they backed off. The Sargent from the unit had retired and was home dying of cancer.

Other than my second marriage, I was never so glad to get out of anything in my life. It was six months out of my life that I could have been tossing crooks in jail. After I retired as a cop, I did backgrounds in the civilian sector part time. Same BS, more money.

  • avatar
    So drunk So sloppy But so hot
    06/18/2019 22:24
  • avatar
    Target practice should only be practiced on the rifle range.
    06/18/2019 22:22
  • avatar
    And he picks up the 3/9 split for the spare.
    06/18/2019 22:14
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    Whatever happened to just helping these little ole ladies across the street?
    06/18/2019 22:12
  • avatar
    (With a nod to Orleans) 'We've been together since way back when Sometimes I never want to see you again But I want you to know, after all these years You're sill the one I want whisperin' in my ear You're sill the one I want to talk to in bed Still the one that turns my head We're still having fun, and you're (window) sill the one "
    06/18/2019 22:10
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