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a story by Charredtorso

Forest Lawn is a chain of Cemetery/Mortuaries scattered around Southern California. The Lawns and Gardens are immaculate and the buildings are all colonial design. Forest Lawn was one of the first cemeteries to become "Memorial Parks" in that they had none of the upright grave markers or headstones that are seen in many cemeteries. Much of Forest Lawn in Glendale, California is built on hills. Some of those hills would give a Mountain Goat a heart attack, due to the steepness of the slopes. Every slope is dotted with flat bronze grave markers that are as slick as snot when they are wet.

One day, I had a morning graveside service scheduled on one of those mountain goat slopes. There had been a heavy mist during the night and we were on the shady side of the slope. The grass as well as the head stones were covered with dew and slick as Owl shit!. The guest of honor was a full sized man and was in a solid oak casket. As the Pallbearers walked up to the funeral coach, they all looked like refuges from a convalescent hospital. I could see what was coming, like standing on Indian train tracks. There was going to be a disaster.

As the limo rolled up behind me, I spoke to the family. "Folks, the side of this hill is going to be slick and treacherous." "You may want to think about hiring the professional pallbearers the cemetery has available." "How much do they charge?" "Sixty dollars total, for all six men." "NO, that's too much money our friends can handle it......." "Are you sure?" "Yes"

Rather than the usual six pallbearers, I got an extra two to help carry the casket down the slope. "Gentlemen, please use caution as we descend to the grave site." "Please use two hands on your handle and side step if necessary." "If there is a problem, lower the casket to the ground." "DO NOT DROP THE CASKET!" "Do not step on the grave markers, they are very slick." "Does anyone have any questions?" They all shook their heads no......

The grave site was about 50 feet down the slope of the hill and the bottom of the hill was 200 feet from where the funeral coach was parked. The pallbearers were ignoring my instructions, with predictable results. About half way to the grave, one of the pallbearers stepped on a grave marker and slipped. Rather than lower the casket or just stop and wait for him to recover. The remaining seven casket bearers let go of the box at the same time.

With the family standing behind me, on the way down to the grave, the casket took off down the hill like a Bobsled at the Winter Olympics! It streaked by the grave, flew down the hill and slammed into the chain link fence at the bottom, with a resounding metallic crash. The family and friends were all screaming and the pallbearers stood still, like a batch of retards in suits. I nearly bit my bottom lip off, to keep from laughing out loud!

I got everyone gathered around the grave and took the pallbearers down to the bottom of the hill to retrieve the casket and guest of honor. They had a big problem trying to lift the casket off of the ground, rather than the bed of the funeral coach. One started whining about his bad back and the others all spontaneously quit. A quick conference with the family of the deceased resulted in hiring

the professional pallbearers. Since they had to haul the casket UP THE HILL, they charged $100, instead of the $60.

In the end, the family tried to blame ME for dumping their relative. I reminded them that there were professionals available and that I had warned everyone about the conditions and had given the pallbearers specific instructions, that they ignored. Sad, unhappy and $100 poorer, the family headed home.