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FAGGOT IN A DRUM
I saw many bizarre things while working as a Corpse Cop for the Coroner and as a Mortician. Over the next few months, I will share some of them with you fellow Kaotics. I know many of you will appreciate them.
One night, working as a Coroner's Investigator, my partner and I were dispatched to a vacant lot in an unincorporated area of Los Angeles. The Sheriff's Deputies that patrol the area and a Homicide team were standing in the middle of the street, not a good sign. According to the detectives, a local citizen walked his dog past this vacant lot every night. Several weeks ago, he noticed a 50 gallon drum had been placed upright in the middle of the vacant lot. After about 2 weeks, his Shepard mix dog, kept pulling on his leash, trying to get to the drum. Two weeks or so later, the dog walker noticed a foul smell, but wrote it off to a dead animal. Finally, earlier that evening, the dog nearly yanked his owner's arm out of it's socket to get to the barrel. The citizen approached the barrel and pushed it with his foot, tipping it over. The stench covered a 2 square block area and the dog owner showed us where he puked.
A quick squint at the contents of the barrel revealed a very badly decomposed human. The body had "sloshed" out of the drum out to his shoulders. We went ahead and removed the body, placing it on a plastic sheet. The deceased was wearing one of those old fashion leather motorcycle hats with a short brim. He was also wearing leather shorts with attached leather suspenders, the kind that are popular in Germany and in American Gay Leather Bars. The ensemble was finished off with a studded leather jock strap, nipple rings and genital piercings..
We tipped the barrel over another plastic sheet, to see if there was any ID or other evidence or property. All we got was human sludge. We walked around in ankle deep mud, created by bodily fluids and dirt from the vacant lot. I vowed to throw my shoes away as soon as I got in my own car at the end of the shift.
The Detectives told us that there had been a series of Leather Bar Homicides over the last few months and that he was one of several missing persons related to that crime spree. My partner asked the detective for the names of the bars. "Why, are you going to cruise them?" I laughed all the way back downtown............ They caught the guy doing the killing several months later. He said he had gotten AIDs (It was incurable at the time) from an encounter in one of the bars and decided to take a few homosexuals with him in death.
SHE LOOKS FINE, YOU ASSHOLE
Right out of Mortuary College, I went to work for a mortuary in Los Angeles. The manager of the funeral home was deeply involved in local politics and service clubs. One afternoon they brought in a 19 year old daughter of one of his political buddies. The night before she had snuck out of the house and went for a ride with her dirt bag biker boyfriend, against here parent's wishes. He dumped the bike on the freeway with the cops chasing him, she flew off and hit the edge of the guardrail on the fly. A free autopsy rounded out her evening at the Coroner's office and her dream date.
The manager wanted me to fix her up "just like new". So, fresh out of Mortuary Collage and eager to impress my employer, I got busy. Her head was crushed flat from the crown to the bridge of her nose. The autopsy left me a shattered skull with pieces no bigger than 2X1 inches. I started by embalming her and went on to do the reconstructive "surgery". I began around 2 pm and finished at around midnight. The following morning, I dressed her and we had a hairdresser do her hair and cosmetics, over the the restorative work I had done. She looked good, but not like she did when she got on that bike.
That afternoon, her parents showed up to see her. I explained the extent of her injuries and gave them a general idea of the 10+ hours of work I put in to repair the damage. I told them that she would not look like she did the last time they saw her. With that caveat, I escorted them into the viewing room.
A few minutes later, dad marched out of the room and looked pissed. Oh shit, here we go..... "I don't know why you got us all upset over the way our daughter would look." "She looks fine, like she is sleeping." "You are an asshole for making up that story....."
I took Dad's comments as an off handed compliment on my restorative work. I only wish I took a before picture to show him. My employer had seen her and tried to tell him the same thing. He didn't want to listen. Welcome to the big leagues junior.
GIVE 'EM THE BIRD
When i was a new cop working out in "sleepy hollow", I wound up working graveyard, weekends and all holidays. The city had a large Arboretum in town. It was the scene of numerous movie location shoots and was surrounded by giant Eucalyptus trees. Around 2 am, my training officer was dozing fitfully, while I was writing a report, parked in the Arboretum parking lot. It was a clear, warm and quiet night, even for "sleepy hollow."
As I scribbled the narrative on a burglary report, without any hint or warning, I heard toe most god awful scream I had ever heard in my life. In an instant, something slammed onto the hood of our cop car. My partner, wakened from blissful slumber, reflexively started screaming too. I dropped the clipboard my report was on and drew my Glock 17 handgun and pointed it through the windshield.
The adrenaline dump was amazing. Everything snapped into focus in an instant. My partner was shouting incoherently and trying to grab his pistol and the shotgun at the same time. What had landed on our hood with an ungodly scream was one of the City's numerous Peacocks. The bird stared at up through the windshield for a few seconds then jumped down to the pavement and flew/hopped out of sight.
It took both of us about 5 minutes to recover and another 10 minutes before we started finding any humor in the experience. My training officer, wise beyond his years said: "Fuck this, let's get a Donut...."
This story came to mind watching the news and seeing some asshole trying to carry a Peacock on to a
commercial airline flight as a "comfort companion." He was all butt hurt when the bird wasn't allowed on a flight. Peacocks are big, loud and obnoxious animals and they shit like Dinosaurs, whenever the urge strikes.