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I NEED THA PARAMEDICS NOW!
One night, my partner and I rolled up to a traffic light and slowed to stop for the red light at the signal. A woman jumped out of her SUV and started screaming. She had plowed into a vehicle already stopped at the light. We radioed in the crash and got out to see what was going on.
We checked the other driver. He was a little shaken, but not injured. The woman got louder and louder. "Are you injured or need the paramedics?" "I needs tha paramedics NOW Mother-Fucker, what you think, nigga. Is you blind?" "Mam, if you think I am a "nigga" you are the blind one...."
La Twanda was putting out alcohol fumes that may require a haz-mat team call out. She was full on shit faced drunk. The paramedics arrived and had trouble cornering her because she was running around all over the sidewalk. "What's wrong, where do you hurt?" "It ain't fo me, it's fo my baby, she got a cold....." Sure enough, a future felon was sleeping, unrestrained on the back seat of the SUV. The paramedics said they didn't have cold medication and suggested an urgent care or drug store.
Without any warning, LaTwanda kicked the shit out of one of the paramedics and swung at my partner. She then initiated a barrage of profanity that only Black women can generate. We hooked La Twanda for a stack of charges including; DUI, assault on a police officer, assault on the fireman, driving on a suspended licence, no proof of insurance and contempt of cop.
While we waited at the scene for the future felon's grandmother to arrive to pick him up. LaTwanda took the opportunity to use her cuffed hands to pull down her pants and urinate all over the back of our patrol car. Then she demanded to be placed in another urine free vehicle. Just another night protecting and serving in "the inner city."
IIIIEEEEEEEE, EEEEETS A MIRACLE!
I was setting up some remains for viewing in our mortuary chapel. I was expecting a huge crowd of Hispanics. Based on their antics the day before, during the funeral arrangements, I knew they would all or mostly be drunk. They would all be howling and screaming too.
I got the casket into the chapel, adjusted the lighting, set up the flowers that had been delivered and was checking the room for any litter or anything else that may be a problem. I happened to look up and saw that there were several large spider webs hanging all over the Chandelier, that hung over the casket. With just a few minutes before the viewing was going to start, I ran back, got a broom and dusted the chandelier and put the broom away.
Right on cue, the family showed up and walked/ran up to the casket. Suddenly, there was an inordinate amount of howling and yelling coming from the descendants of the Conquistadors. Then several of them dropped in place and began praying and doing the sign of the cross. As more walked in, the noise and praying got louder. Eeeeees a miracle, eeeeeets a miracle!
I had no clue. I looked quizzically at one of the people I knew spoke English. He pointed up at the chandelier. The chandelier was swaying back and fourth as the result of my recent dusting and web removal. "See? Eeeeeeeees a sign from the Virgin......" "No sir, I just finished dusting it." The family ignored my reasoning and kept yelling, crying and praying, until the mortuary closed at 9 pm.
They told the priest that arrived for the wake. He could only look at me and slowly shake his head.
WHAT, WHO ME?
I was a brand new graduate of the California College of Mortuary Science, working for a chain of mortuaries in Los Angeles. My primary tasks were Embalming and removing bodies from their place of death. Out of the blue, my manager told me to assist on a funeral and transport flowers from the church to the cemetery and have them set up before the procession arrived at the grave site.
When I arrived at the church, there was well over 500 people milling around. The deceased was an active duty police officer that had died on duty from a heart attack. There was a full contingent of Marines, from his reserve unit, Masons, tons of cops in uniform and loads of civilians. The Funeral Director drove the Hurst and was scheduled to arrive with the guest of honor 30 minutes before the funeral mass. The family would be arriving in a limo about 10 minutes before the mass.
It got to be 15 minutes before the mass and no body or Director. I had never Directed a complicated funeral, with several elements involved before and I was starting to panic. The limo rolled up with the immediate family in it. Still no guest of honor. I told the limo driver what was going on and he just sat in the car, stating that he was just the limo driver.
I ran over to the rectory, where the priests live and used their phone to call my office. No one knew anything about nothing. I ran out and got the Marines, Masons and cops into groups and lined them up in an honor guard formation. Still no body.
Right at 10 am, the Hurst rolled up with the director behind the wheel. I could see the priest and the alter boys in the church vestibule. I opened the driver's door. The Funeral Director was so drunk, he couldn't get out of the vehicle. He started giggling and broke into a drunken belly laugh. OH SHIT!
It was too late for me to panic. I grabbed the pallbearers and got the casket out of the car. Once the casket was inside the church, I got the family out of their car, then motioned for the other groups to follow the family into the church. I got everyone seated in their own group and settled in. Once the mass started, I sprinted back to the rectory and called my office. The manager wanted nothing to do with the situation and told me to call the VP of personnel at our down town office.
I got a hold of the VP and told him how drunk the Director was. "Oh no, that can't be....he told me he wouldn't drink at work any more." "Sir, he's shitfaced drunk and can't even walk." "Some cop is going to arrest him for DUI or he is going to crash the car....." "Oh no, he can't be drunk." This went back and fourth for 15 minutes. I finally got the VP to DEMAND the mortuary manager assist me in directing the funeral. He showed up just before the mass ended and took all of the credit for a job well done. We headed for the cemetery and left the funeral director sitting on a back pew in the church.
Did I get any thanks for pulling a disaster out of the fire? Did the Manager thank me for filling in? Hell no, the funeral director called me later in the afternoon and threatened my life for ratting him off.
A few days later, he showed up for another funeral and had no memory of being drunk or threatening me. He got fired a few months later for showing up at another mortuary wasted. But he got fired for grabbing the ass of the VP's daughter in law, not being blind drunk. He died of liver disease the next year.
I am getting tired of seeing you and a handful of others providing
great downloads and comments, then not getting more than 1-2
thumbs up by the 1000's that view them.
Maybe I need to take a couple of months off from Kaotic......