Jezebel
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OH REALLY?


Before I became a cop, at the tender young age of 40, I had spent 22 years as a mortician and coroner's investigator. I grew tired of a "dead end career" that paid only fair wages, with long hours and boring as hell 90% of the time. So I started applying for police departments. I had tried to become a cop in my mid 30's but I was too male, too white and too heterosexual to meet federal mandates in Southern California. I decided to give it one last try.

With most police agencies, the oral exam is the first test that weeds out 50% of the applicants or more. You provide the agency with a short, two page application, they look it over and the interview begins. Most interview panels don't bother to read your application and just start asking questions.

Somewhere in every interview they ask the following: "Mr. ________, in our business we have to deal with dead bodies on a regular basis." "Do you think you would have a problem handling dead bodies?" "No sir, I don't think so." (I learned early in life to only provide the information they ask for.) "Oh really, have you ever had to handle a dead body?" "Yes sir, I have." "Oh really, how many dead bodies have you handled in your life?" "Sir, I have never kept count, somewhere between 3-5 thousand."

The responses to my response varied widely. I was called "a god damned liar." I had an interviewer jump out of his chair. Another grabbed my application and started laughing. One even stated that ALL undertakers were Fags and perverts and would not have one on his department! Still others were impressed and asked a few questions about my career.

Because police agencies are reluctant to invest a lot of money in a 40 year old recruit that will probably quit the police academy or be unable to handle the challenging physical and academic 9 month program. I had to pay for my own tuition and equipment. I completed the academy as the class top academic and finished in the top 10% of the physical testing. THEN, people started getting interested in hiring me.

The Chief of Police in sleepy hollow taught the first aid block in the police academy. Everyone in my class knew I was a mortician and a coroner's investigator. When it came time for our CPR practical test, the Chief was doing the grading. For reasons known only to me, I decided to fuck with the Chief.
"Ready, begin CPR...."
"Chief, I can't do it..."
"What do you mean you can't do it?" "Don't you know the technique?"
"Sorry Chief, it's a conflict of interest." I said with a straight face.
"CONFLICT OF INTEREST?" "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
By this time, even the tactical officers (D.I.s) were laughing their asses off.
I told the Chief I had been a mortician for years. Even he gave me a smile'

Two hours later, I was pulled out of class and told to report to the training office that the Chief of Police wanted to see me NOW. Oh shit, I must have pissed him off! The Chief sat me down and said
he was impressed with my physical and academic record. If I was interested, he would process me in 3 months, instead of the 6 to 12 months other departments took. True to his word, I was cruising the streets of sleepy hollow in 4 months and put up with in for 3 and a half years. When I left and went to work in the ghetto, they didn't even bother to interview me.